I feel so socially inapt when it comes to girls my own age; they don't seem to like me very much...Probably because i most probably fucked their ex boyfriend or potential love interest. Blunt; but most probably true.

Oh the Joys of being me, i suppose i could change, be more reserved when it comes to men, be a bit more 'lady like;, descreet with my actions, innocent flirting, shy little smirks. Maybe then i'd gain some respect, be thought of as something else, other than the fuck buddy, the bit on the side.

But then that would be no fun, i lost my love; he threw me away like i did not matter. I gave that boy my life, i depended on him like no other, he was my world. I will never find someone i cherish as i did he, i wish you could see me cry myself to sleep in the lonely nights, wishing that i would wake up and this would all be a horrid nightmare. Thats you would pull up my driveway with that smug little grin, that made me feel on top the world.

I don't know why i does to myself, but its all i know now. Wishful thinking.

I passed my driving test also.

Why don't i matter anymore? You always said forever, where are you now? Where are you when i am numbing the pain with cheap alcohol, that makes my throat raw and burn. With tears choking me, shaking, struggling to breath. The days are dark now, i have no light in my life, my days are filled with grey, monotonous fixtures. Everything has changed.

Then i conceal my dark tear ridden eyes with makeup, paint on that smile and try to find someone, anyone to fill that void that you have left me with.

Of course, no-one has..and believe me i have tried. 

What more can i do?

essh 119.8 :| This does not make me happy. I am revolting, what boy would want to touch up an enormous lard beast like me.

On other notes driving test is this wednesday...if i pass?...hello freedom =)

I am sad, i am sitting in my room in my robe watching sad british tv and drinking green tea.

I need a man interest :( I want to be wined and dined, i want that feeling of a new man in my life. I want to be bought gifts, go on romantic walks on the beach and be held when i'm down...God sometimes i miss him..

Last night was amusing i got absolutely bladdered, i have cuts/scrapes down my inner things :O i really do not know how that happened...I awoke this morning, 3 in a bed with Jill and Olly, wearing last nights clothes, i seem to be missing a shoe though..oopsies. I have a few new numbers in the phone though, 4 potential man interests, perhaps :D Lets hope!

Gahh, today has been an epic fail, chocolate, crisps and vino. Not good enough fatty.

Damn period. im bloated, in pain and it looks like a have a building site on my face.

Great.

edit 19.43pm. I just ate icecream :|

You know you are becoming a grande whale when your control knickers dont fit anymore. New perspective; breakfast [max 200], minimal [max 200], mothers foodstuffs [max 400] & greentea.